Home Improvement’s Should Be Handled With Care

I’ve been trying my best to fix up my condo, in high hopes that someday, someone will take it off my hands. Every pay check, I’ve been buying upgrades. I bought new faucets for the kitchen and bath, a couple new towel bars and a toilet paper holder. When I put it all on, something seemed off. Maybe it was the ivory colored light switch covers?

So I replace them. Still not right. At this point, I give up- obviously somethings always going to be “off” about my bathroom decor. My interior decorating skills have failed. Sometime’s when I walk into people’s bathrooms I just think, fuck- this is a nice bathroom. That’s what I wanted people to think about mine as they walk in to do their glorious duty. Oh well, I tried.

Then all became clear. It was the white shower curtain holder that was throwing everything off. An old, ugly, white, roman style plastic shower curtain holder. Try saying that three times fast. So i pick up a chrome one from the brand new Ace Hardware they built right down the street. It’s so close I could easily walk there but always choose not to.

by the way, I hope nobody actually tried saying that out loud. I’d love to point and laugh at you if you did.

So I finally get the gumption to put it on last night and have the bathroom look how I always wanted. Except the fucking bar was too big. The olg, ugly, white, roman style plastic one was spring adjustable. Brilliant. The one I bought was not. Obviously an inferior design- everything should be adjustable. Everything.

I have a hacksaw that I rarely get to use, so why not take a couple inches off this bar and tell everyone it is custom made. Should be easy, its only an inch and a half (or so) that needs to be trimmed off.

Fail. The hacksaw blade isn’t cutting through the hollow metal. Ive already ruined the edge of the bar by trying, it was no use, the blade was kind of dull and rusty. Time to bring out the big guns. The Dewalt circular saw. I was more than happy to do this because, well, it means I get to cut something. I put a diamond blade on figuring this should work out pretty nicely. I’m pretty sure I smirked a bit when I thought of how brilliant I was at that very moment.

It worked but it wasn’t very clean. It looked like someone grabbed a fist full of metal chips and threw them all over my white shirt. Little metal chips stuck into the cotton and I’m the one who made the horrible descision to just try to brush them off real fast, cutting the front side of my hand. No hi fives for at least a couple days. Not to mention what else I wont be able do without my hand, like….

Roll Dice. Or throw rocks.

So I screw one clip into the wall, slipped the bar in and walked over to the other side with the intention of screwing the clip in and being done with it all. I get there and set it in position so that the bar is level and….the bar slides because it is too short. FUCK. Why me?

So now I am going to buy an adjustable bar. I also get the pleasure of picking up putty and paint to cover the screw holes I made in the wall.

It was all going so smoothly.

But then, nothing ever goes smoothly for me.