Hello. While Matt’s away I’ve decided to hijack his blog. All comments, questions, or complaints can be sent to free and flawed.
Don’t you just hate automated answering systems when you call a customer service number? It’s extra annoying when you hit zero and they respond with “I’m sorry, that is not a valid selection. Please try again.” At that point you’d rather stab yourself in the eye with a hot french fry than have to listen go through the whole menu again.
Most of the time I find having to speak to a computer very frustrating. “You said ’seven, seven, die, four, three, I hate your face, nine, death.’ Did I understand you correctly? If this is correct, press the pound key. If you’d like to re-enter your response, press two.”
There are certain times where I’d prefer to deal with a computer. For example, when I am closing a credit card account. I understand that you want me to stay, but once I’ve decided to close it, nothing you can possibly say will make me change my mind. Are you going to pay me $50,000? Didn’t think so. I’m gone. I don’t enjoy being asked the reason for my decision. I spent too much money and now I’m in debt you dumb broad. Thanks for pouring salt in the wound.
Another instance in which I’d like to avoid talking to a real person is when I’m activating a new credit card. (Looks like that debt excuse didn’t last very long!) I type in the last four digits of the CC number and my SS number. Okay, now tell me to pull off the sticker and sign the back. No! No don’t transfer me to a representative! I’ve activated it! Tell me to rip off the sticker!
“Hello and thank you for calling XYZ bank. Can you please spell your name for me?”
“My first AND last name?”
“Yes Ma’am.”
“Okay. Wait…not ‘O’ and ‘K,’ I was just saying ‘okay.’
“Okay.”
“Wait…are you repeating the letters I just said or are you telling me ‘Okay, go?’”
“Spell your name please ma’am.”
“J-e-n-n-i-f-e-r B-*-*-*-*”
“Thank you Miss (horribly wrong interpretation of last name. Looks like your card has already been activated…“
“No shit.”
“Since I have you on the line, would you like to hear about our card protection offer today? I’m not even going to pause for a response and will continue talking until I’ve made you so desperate for me to shut up that you agree to buy whatever it is I’m selling. I hate my job. I cannot speak clear English. There’s a good chance I’m selling you the opportunity to buy a stolen baby. Card protection. It protects your card from laundry gnomes, ninjas and midgets. I have a stupid face. I heard you say ‘I’ll pass,’ but I’m going to keep talking for another minute or so just to piss you off. I will iron your socks. La-de-freaking-dah. I have a belly button.”
“I’m still going to pass, thank you.”
“Because it is only 79 cents a day, it wouldn’t be a good decision to pass this offer up.”
“I don’t remember asking your opinion. You are not hearing me. No matter what you tell me, I’m still going to pass. Please stop.”
“Thank you ma’am. I hope your card gets stolen.”
“Thank you. I hope someone stabs you in the eye with a steaming hot french fry.”
::click::
So you can see why there are times I prefer the computer.
Thanks Jenn.
Just thinking about automated customer service makes my blood boil.
I hate the ones you have to talk to. “In a few short words, tell us what you are trying to do.” “Talk to a (*&(*&(*&& human!” “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Please try to tell me again.”
No, of course you didn’t get it. You’re a fracking computer!
Oh damn, a hot french fry to the eye is a torture tactic from WWII!
Awesome guest post, and oh-so-true. Just today I called my bank’s customer service and instead of hitting numbers, I was told to “say my debit card number,” because, of course, I want it stolen by every listening ear.
Bastards.
I HATE how they try to trick you into buying stuff. It’s complete crap. Glad you outsmarted them
OMG, I’m with MinD on that one! When I moved to the city and my credit card company deactivated my card b/c they thought it was stolen. No dudes, it’s just me. But now, thanks to you, it may as well have been stolen b/c I can’t use it anywhere. And thanks for asking, but no, I’d rather not SPEAK my account number into the phone, for all of Manhattan to hear.
It is also my favourite when NONE of the nine options are that relevant, so I am making an internal ranking of why 3 may be better than 5 while trying to hear if 7 is better.
I agree until what you need to know isn’t one of the automated options…..
Ugh. I usually scream “talk to a representative” into the phone until a live person picks up. If I’ve gotten to the point where I’m actually calling customer service, I want to talk to a human.
I just end up hitting zero a million times until I get a person that can help. That usually doesn’t work.
I hate the automated customer service hell. Whoever came up with that idea needs to step off the crazy train.
This is why EVERYTHING should just be done by computer. I hate talking on the phone to customer service people and I hate talking on the phone to “pretend” people.
Although I went through a phase in work where I pretended to BE an automated service everytime the phone rang . . .
Thank you for this
i love talking to the computer…
me: SHIPPING!
computer: Did you say claims? Hold on while I connect you!
ARRRRRRG!!!!!! FedEx is the worst.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
I used to work for a doctor’s office calling insurance companies ot check the status of claims, so I can totally relate! Blue Cross Blue Shield is of the devil!!!!!
usually, when you hear me screaming into the receiver? theres a 99.9% chance that it’s an automated message on the other line.
and I can never understand those CSA anyway. I use to sort of be one, and I still don’t understand them
Jenn, this one is spectacular. I love it. Especially, “I have a belly button.”
I just refilled a prescription yesterday over the phone and was rolling my eyes to and fro and grunting in frustration about what a soul-crushing process it is. “Please enter a phone number where you can be reached.” “Your prescription will be ready at noon Wednesday September 3. Do not hang up. More information is required.” NO SHIT! I didn’t even tell you which prescription I need refilled yet. Screaming!
It’s like you live in my head! Seriously, you made my day.
Imagine not getting any of the options you might actually need, and on top of that, not being able to understand because computer voices are SO HARD TO HEAR when one is deaf.
Usually I keep pressing zero till I start to cry.
oh, I will do anything to not have to call. I hate calling customer service, no matter which company it is. Online is my way.
ugh. i hate activating credit cards. it forces me to be a bitch. “no, thank you”, “that’s ok, i’ll pass this time.”, “listen, what don’t you understand? all i want to do is activate my damned credit card! i’ve told you NO numerous times, but you are still misinterpreting that as ‘oh, i love it! tell me more!’ DON’T tell me more. just activate my card! now can we please finish this up? i’m a busy girl and i have shit to do! thank you.”